Fav Famous Quotes


Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my
fish-burger and I realize…Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner!
Lynda Montgomery
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Emo Phillips
May the curse of Mary Malone and her nine blind illegitimate children chase you so far over the hills of Damnation that the Lord himself can’t find you with a telescope.
Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.
Mark Twain
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Billy Sunday
Couch potatoes take heart: You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
There is no distinctly American criminal class – except Congress.
Mark Twain
The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scots as a joke, but the Scots haven’t seen the joke yet.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
Robert Bloch
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
Jack Nicholson
Italian Alzheimer’s: you forget everything except the vendettas.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did–in his sleep–not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
Bob Monkhouse
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
Mark Russell
The age of a woman doesn’t mean a thing. The best tunes are played on the oldest fiddles.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you.
The only mystery in life is why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Al McGuire
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
Steven Wright
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
Henny Youngman
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Flip Wilson
Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller 
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing everyday.
A.A. Milne
True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.
-Kurt Vonnegut
A clear conscious is usually the sign of a bad memory.
-Steven Wright

Throwback Thursday!

originally posted: 30 Jan 2014

My 40-something self, who has been driving since 1982, was only allowed to get a driver’s permit today. Yes, an effing permit. Having just arrived from Germany with an expired US license, I discovered that fabulous news when I applied to the North Dakota DMV. Lucky for me, since I’m over fifteen, I can forgo the need for another adult driver to accompany me. Oh, and I have six months to get the road test done. Yes, a GD road test–unbelievable. I did happen to mention to DMV personnel that if I could drive by myself for six months why do I have to take a road test? If I hadn’t careened off the road in a fiery crash by then, I should be considered good on all the traffic laws, right? Blank stares all around.

Briefly, I dredged up memories of me at fifteen tooling around in a crap brown Driver’s Ed station wagon; Thing 1 & 2 moaning in the back seat while I ferried around the jerk-of-a-football-coach/driving instructor (from a rival school no less) who decided he may as well get his errands done while he “taught” us to drive.

Uhm, coach L.? I still can’t parallel park!sw

The idea of taking the d*mn road test irked me more than the written. I never had a crash (on record) never had points taken off my license, never had a speeding ticket (talked my way out of a few) and maintained a clean driving record while licensed in Michigan, Florida, North Dakota (stationed at another AFB years earlier), Nevada, South Dakota and California not to mention being tested and licensed in England and Germany. None of it matters.

nd hwy Apparently, with all the oil people stampeding across North Dakota in recent years, they’re not taking any chances, so I’m forced to fall in line and prove myself competent enough to drive their hallowed roadways. I protested and whined a bit more just to annoy the lady who looked like she wanted to stab me in the neck with a ‘North Dakota the Peace Garden State’ pen, and then sat down to take the test. Since it was a computer program I knew immediately if any answers were wrong–none at that point …and then my screen froze.

Oh eff me.

I wait it out hoping the problem self-corrects. It doesn’t. I stand up, go to the door and, *GASP* knock on the window to get someone’s attention. Once he finishes glaring at me with gross indignation the test proctor hustles me back into the test area. Proctor’s lips are pursed in disgust. The jerk thinks I’m exaggerating because I’m getting a lecture telling me this has never happened. To anyone. Ever. After five minutes blinking at the same driving scenario and multiple choice question, he declares that there is, “indeed a problem.” When jabbing his spindly fingers at the keyboard and switching the PC on and off doesn’t work, it takes another five minutes before he realizes standing there and scratching his dandruff won’t fix things either.


Eventually, he assures me I could continue the test where I had left off, using another computer. Unfortunately, the program dumped my results and now he tells me I have to restart the test. Despite having completely different questions and scenarios, I passed. I get my permit, but before I leave, I have to make an appt for the road test. I tell the pen lady that I shouldn’t have to come back to take the road test on pain alone, or at least a discount was in order for holding me hostage all afternoon in a poorly ventilated room that smelled like teen angst. I could tell my comment was not appreciated. Humor is so lost on these people.

*a note: I posted a Throwback Thursday a few months back and was kindly informed through emails that I had posted on a Wednesday. Just a reminder that I live in Japan, and my Thursday is your Wednesday.
Thanks, Deanie 😉
photo credits: photobucket

“I’m in a glass case of emotion!”

A few thoughts today…

Inside every snarky b*tch is a pleasant woman who just got fed up with the bull-sh*t.

When people ask how well my writing is going, somedays I think to myself, “If I was a bird, I’d fly into a jet engine.”

Self-absorbed a-holes must have been put on the earth to test our anger management skills.

photo credit: photobucket

Everyday I try to be a positive person, and today I’m positive everyone is losing it.

I tend to be more accommodating when there are witnesses.

On the surface I may appear calm, but inside I’m rehearsing my alibi.

photo credit: photobucket

“Flavorful” is the favorite adjective of people on ‘Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives. Most likely these people need a map to their own kitchens.

“There are no stupid questions.” Are we sure about this?

Please don’t make me explain what you won’t understand.

Another day gone, and I didn’t use Algebra.

photo credit: photobucket

If sarcasm was a language, I’d be fluent.

If only common sense was more common.




Italian proverb: “A ogni uccello il suo nido è bello”

Amen to that!

photo credit: photobucket

Post title quote credit:   Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

What My Parents Taught Me~

 Contradiction:  “Shut your mouth and answer me!”

 Endurance:  “Sit there, until I tell you to move.”

 Contortionism “Just look at that hole in the back of your shirt.”

 Exaggeration:  “If I told you once, I  told you eighty thousand times.”

family four
Me, Dad, Sister and Mumsie a few years before our brother arrived.

 Reality:  “Money doesn’t grow on trees.”

 Animal Husbandry:   “You’re acting like an ass.”

 Sex:  “Lie down with a mangy dog and you’ll get fleas.”

 Psychological Warfare:  “Do not make me pull this car over.”

Suspense:  “Just wait until your father gets home.”

Understanding:  “When you reach my age, you’ll understand.”

Maths:  “I am going to count to three.”

Parallels:  “It’s colder than a ditch-digger’s ass out there.”

Heredity “You are just like your father.”

Decorum:  “Shut the door, you weren’t raised in a barn.”

The Theme Is Horror

Once again, Thief magazine (Tribe Media*) has published and illustrated my poetry. Please click on the link below!


*Tribe Media is an online, international magazine, and Editor Rosemary Long has published my poetry. As an added bonus, their talented illustrators have brought my haiku to life.

Poetry Chose Me…

The theme is ‘horror.’ Please click on the link and enjoy my latest!


*Tribe Media is an online, international magazine, and Editor Rosemary Long has decided to publish a few of my poems. As an added bonus, their talented illustrators have brought my haiku to life.